So I Will Hallow
“Is it okay to not be okay, to feel this way? I’m exhausted all the time for what feels like no reason. My heart has no endurance, my mind has no focus. And I can’t even describe to you how I am feeling besides not okay. When I talk to people they say, “Have you prayed about it?” “This is just a season. You’ll get through it.” And if it’s not motivational, they say, “Have you considered medication, maybe therapy?” And while there is nothing wrong with these solutions it leaves me feeling very alone in my not okayness.
My heart seems to break for no reason. Fear cripples me. Every move I make is not done in freedom. I am weighed down by isolation in a sea of people. I experience heaviness in a free fall. Gravity has more of an effect on me. Why am I not soaring? Why can’t I breathe?
I lay my head down at night and tears stream down my face. Why, because fear is coursing through my veins. Pain is the only feeling I’m capable of. Sadness is all that I know. I remember the days I experienced joy and I crave the sensation. Where freedom and carefreeness seep from my every pore and confidence is all over me. I miss it. But it’s long gone and now I long only to be okay.
Okay.. I’m not asking to be great, I’m not asking to be the best. I want only to survive and not feel the pain in my chest. I know I’m surrounded by people who love me and love me a lot yet still I don’t feel it. I know that I serve a God who never lets me be alone and still I live in a bubble that you can’t pop and I can’t escape. I want to get out, experience the freedoms that life brings but I’m trapped. Alone.
Alone is where I experience the heaviness, the crushing weight of expectation, and the down pour of not okayness. Even though alone is where it all hits me, I can’t find it in me to be with people. So the reasonless heart break, the fear and anxiety have become my companions. They are the only friends I feel like being not okay with is allowed.
Is it allowed? Is it okay to not be okay? Because if it’s okay to not be okay with you, then maybe, just maybe, I can be okay.”
In May of 2018 I began writing the above, “Is It Okay To Not Be Okay?” I was scared of the future. Scared of people. Scared of my next breath. Then, I went to camp and I thought it would all fade away because I was made for camp. I was almost right about that, for a short time my “not okayness” faded and the joy of living in the glory was abundant. Before camp even ended I could feel it in my bones but neglected to acknowledge it, and in late August I finished “Is It Okay To Not Be Okay?” I was far from okay.
Today, I want you to know, it is okay. You do not have to be okay. There is freedom here. Freedom in the expression of your not okayness. I can’t unshackle you, but I know the One who can. Today, I want you to know Him too.
He has many names, and freedom comes when you HALLOW His name.
His name is Jehovah Shammah. The Lord is There. (Ez. 48:35)
Right now, you may not “feel” Him. Right now, The Lord is There.
Open your Bible. Ask Him where He is. Find Him.
His name is Jehovah Rapha. The Lord that Heals. (Ex. 15:26)
Right now, you may feel broken. Right now, The Lord heals.
Let all of your soul fall through your brokenness. Let Him heal.
His name is Jehovah Raah. The Lord My Shepherd (Ps. 23)
Right now, you may feel lost with no one to follow. Right now, The Lord is your Shepherd.
Stop listening to you. Listen to the one who knows of the still waters.
His name is El Olam. The Everlasting God. (Gen. 21:33)
Right now, you may feel like this never ends. Right now, He is the Everlasting God.
Identify your “not okayness” as what it is. Temporary. Rest in His forever.
His name is Jehovah Jireh. The Lord Will Provide. (Gen.22:14)
Right now, you may feel incapable. Right now, The Lord will provide
Tell Him your needs. Watch Him come through.
His name is Jehovah Shalom. The Lord is Peace. (Jdg. 6:24)
Right now, you may feel hurt and be in the midst of turmoil. Right now, The Lord is Peace.
Invite Him into your mess. He offers rest.
This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it’s who He has been revealing Himself to be to me. Freedom from my own not okayness happened when I allowed God to be who He is. I wanted less of me so I could feel less of my hurt and fear. When I let go, He came through.
So I will hallow.
Father, Hallow be Your Name. Thank You for Your faithful character. Thank You for deliverance. Thank You for Peace. Thank You for seasons. Hallow be Your Name.
