(Let me set the scene up for you. I just got put into the leadership role of NSU Baptist Collegiate Ministry (BCM) President earlier that night at a banquet. It’s about 12:45 a.m. and I sit down on my couch with no one there. Everything started to sink in.)
As I sit here and reflect on this honor, I can’t help but think of where I’ve been. God has taken me on quite a journey. I have taken myself on a few too. How could God allow a former drug user, atheist/agnostic and so much worse, like me, to be used for His Glory?!?
I have been drunk numerous times, smoked things I shouldn’t have, stolen things that I shouldn’t have and lied to people I cared about most.
But God has shown me more grace than I deserve and has taken me to places I would’ve never imagined! God took me to the Dominican Republic and I got to hold hands with a boy, who is in a wheelchair and may never be able to speak. God blessed me with the opportunity to sit and talk with a boy who has had to witness his mother being abused, like I did. I’ve seen the look of a new creation from a little girl who was touched by God’s story in me and then gave her life to Christ. I’ve seen Him heal people that I’ve prayed for. I’ve seen him come inside my family and have impact on my cousins’ lives.
He is so much greater than I deserve!
James says that “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6)
Is that it? Have I humbled myself? It doesn’t feel like it. I still feel proud. I have looked to God for answers many times, yes, but the amount of times I took matters into my own hands is uncountable. On second thought, maybe I have humbled myself. Sobbing on a bathroom toilet, begging God to help me. I guess you don’t get much lower than that.
But I still feel like I have more to give, because I do. Why don’t I give it all? I know why, because I have doubts. I doubt God can handle what I go through. Don’t lie, you do too. We all have doubts. That’s why we don’t follow Jesus wholeheartedly. Sometimes we think that our hurt is too deep for Him to handle. We sound like the woman at the well! “Sir, you have nothing to draw water with, and the well is deep.” (John 4:11) What sense does it make to say this to God, who created you? He knows every microscopic detail about you! (Psalm 139:1-16) Why do we think that God can’t handle our emotions or situations?
Some of us, like myself, will say, “I don’t doubt God, only myself.” What a lie we tell ourselves! We know what we are capable of and what we aren’t, but we don’t know what God is capable of because we doubt He can do something if we can’t.
I thought that I was trusting God in my circumstances, but I have come to realize that I trusted my understanding of things more than I did God. He is so gracious to bless me in so many ways. I would say “thank you” to God, in an attempt to be grateful but my actions would turn back and say, “I’ve got it from here.”
That is not how I desire to live!
I want a sold-out devotion to my Creator, like Abraham when “he went out not knowing where he was going” (Hebrews 11:8). I want to see His Glory like Isaiah did when he saw the throne room. I want to trust God the way Jesus did when he asked for His Father to let the cup pass from Him, but humbled himself to say, “not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)
But how do I get there?!
Well, I know how… One moment at a time, in constant relationship with my Father. I should live in a state of constant submission to God and His commands, yes, even when I don’t agree, because His thoughts and ways are way higher than mine (Isaiah 55:8-9). When I speak, when I eat, when I work, when I do anything, I will trust God, that he will put me where I need to be at the exact moment I need to be there. That’s not to say that I will not act, but I will let the Spirit of God guide me in light of who God has shown Himself to be, through His holy scriptures. After all, He calls us to action! I must regain confidence in how God sees me, and not what I think I am worthy of.
I am God’s child, His workmanship, His bride, His ambassador and His glorious inheritance (Ephesians 1:18). I am none of things because of anything I have done or will ever do, but only by grace through faith in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
So, as I sit here and reflect on what God has done for me, who He is and who He has allowed me to become, I could not help but shed tears of joy, thanking my Creator, Father and Friend for all the adventures He has taken me on. I look toward Him, reflecting on vows, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death brings us closer. That is where my focus should remain – on Him.